The Real Housewives of Anywhere

April 2, 2012 at 2:07 pm | Posted in The Real Housewives | Leave a comment
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Ok, let’s discuss my fascination with Bravo’s Real Housewives of (you name the location) TV shows: basically, in a nutshell, I used to have a LIFE. I mean, I have a life, but I used to have a life filled with clients and business meetings and beautiful clothes and high heels and GOSSIP. Sweet, sweet gossip. Now I have a life filled with lunch-making and juice-pouring and toy-fixing and fight-breaking-upping and horse brushing (I’m ok with that part, really) and basically, outside of “He took my toy!” “Did you?” “NO!!” “Well, he says you did.” “I did NOT!” there is really no intrigue anymore, so in desperation, I turn to these wonderful, juicy, bitchy, gossipy shows. When my husband tries to talk to me during any episode of pretty much any Real Housewives franchise I stop him with a “SShhhhh!”, a talk-to-the-hand gesture, and a “I’m watching my girls!” This completely baffles him and he generally leaves. On bad days he sits down and tries to watch and wants to know why everyone is yelling and who’s mad at who and “What’s wrong with these women?” but really, how can you explain this to a man? So I don’t even try. He just gets another “SSShhhhhhh” followed by, “My PROGRAM is on!” and so eventually he leaves. Poor thing. But I digress…

Since this week’s episode of RHOOC was a re-run, I’m just going to resort to general questions about some of the darlings on these shows. Perhaps someone out there can help me understand some truly perplexing concerns:

  • Why doesn’t anyone tell Lisa (RHOBH) that her false eyelashes are much too big – you can totally see where they begin and end – and make her look ridiculous?
  • Why does a gay man who appears to be in it just for the fame want to marry Tamra? (Ooooh, wait, I might have just figured that one out on my own a la Kim Kardashian. Hmmmmm.)
  • Two words: Lip Implant.
  • Two more words: Tinsel Hair.
  • Is Kyle the mean girl or is it Camille? Seems to me one of them simply got a better publicist.
  • Is “Smiley” really his last name??
  • Does Vicki only employ her children and friends of her children? How much is she paying them in Kool-Aid and Ring Dings, do you think?
  • Is Heather a freak in the bed?
  • Is Phaedra a freak in the bed? Oh wait, I think we already know the answer to that one…
  • Is Nene a freak?
  • What Would Jesus Barbie Do?

If you can help feed my addiction in any way, that would be great. As always, looking forward to the next episode/re-run/marathon. And by the way, it’s very important that we get my BFF, Paula, to start watching these shows. It’s KILLING me to not be able to discuss all this with her. See what you all can do to help me out.

xo

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